The Art of Saying No

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Every new opportunity, project or relationship comes at the expense of your valuable energy, effort and time. Saying no is not being mean and is not disappointing others. It is a basic form of self-respect, self-protection and self-worth. Sometimes the most difficult decisions is figuring out what to say no to. Here some tips on how and when to say no:

1. Start by Saying Yes!

In order to get the power to say no, you have to start by saying yes. Having the ability to say no is a luxury you have to earn. Once you build up your brand and reputation (check out the second edition about personal brand if you haven’t already), you can be selective and have the power to choose.

2. Develop your OWN mental decision model

Having a mental decision model makes knowing when to say no much easier. The best thing I learned from my Stats class is quantifying my life using expected value. Having a structure to quantitatively evaluate decisions makes my life easier in all aspects: I used this model when I was deciding between banking offers; I used this when I am asked if I want to be staffed on a new project, etc…

I start with factors that I value most with regards to the decision. For example, if I am trying to answer the question “should I take on this new deal/project”? These are the evaluation criteria I would use and factors I would consider:

• Learnings — am I going to develop skills that I want to? Am I building technical or soft skills?
• Personal brand / value — will this help with my personal brand? Does this align with my personal values?
• Network — am I going to build new relationships or reinforce current relationships? Will I be burning any bridges?
• Future — will this lead me to future opportunities? Does this align with the future I envision for myself?
• Effort / Opportunity cost — how much time and energy will this take me? Does taking this mean I have to give up something else that I value? Could I be doing something else instead?

Keep in mind that these factors change with the questions you are trying to answer. “Which internship should I take” versus “Should I spend $6k on a Chanel purse” are going to have very different evaluation factors.

From there, I assign weightings to how much I value each factor out of 100% and I then assign a score out of 10. Usually, if the model spits out a number that is over 8/10 or 80%, I would categorize it as a good decision. Obviously, you can manipulate the data to get a particular result but then you can ask the question of why you are skewing the model to show a particular result. That in itself can be very telling. Sophomore year I was deciding between two banking offers and I kept skewing the result to lean towards one bank. Going through the process of using a mental decision model made me realize that deep down, I knew which bank I had always wanted.

A silly little example to illustrate the point! According to my mental decision model, I should not become a basket weaver!

3. No means no

Once you have made a decision to say no, how you say no is just as important. DO NOT apologize. There is nothing wrong with valuing and taking control over your own time. You might think an apology softens the blow of a difficult message but usually it just diminishes the impact and undermines your decision / judgement.

4. Say no to now… not no to forever

There is a way to say no that is respectful and inviting for any future opportunities. Don’t burn bridges. Extend and offer the possibility of engaging in the future. “It is unfortunate that the timing didn’t work out for this project but definitely looking forward to the next opportunity” “Please do let me know if anything in the future comes up because I would love to work with you”. The point is to always leave the door open!

This article is a snippet of the monthly Newsletter from The Perspective. Subscribe for more and join an incredible community of women and allies. Through every monthly newsletter, we will work through all the challenges we face from navigating office politics to taking care of ourselves physically and mentally while working a demanding job.